Daily readings from Al-Anon's Magazine The Forum • Recovery Reflections • Quote/Sayings

Thursday 4/17/25

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Your nervous system will always choose familiar chaos over unfamiliar peace until you learn to heal and choose differently.

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It's better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.  --James Thurber

Recovery is an inner journey, but it often means going outside ourselves. In the past, we often were deaf to the words of others. Now we are discovering that God gave us ears for a reason.

Listening to others may be new to us, but we have so much to gain. Others may have learned ways to solve problems we can't figure out. We may think our lives are unique, only to discover others have had the same experiences. There is so much insight, wisdom, and love to share. Now that we're stronger, we can admit we need help, and accept that help with a joyful heart.

Today let me have the courage to listen to those people whom I respect.

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Loving Detachment is Hard to do -
a Mother's Struggle

I fled to the rooms of Al-Anon when both of my adolescent children were at the height of their disease of alcoholism. I was experiencing every possible emotion, not the least of which was blaming myself for, somehow, causing their disease. The confusion of being a parent of minor children who were acting against the law and against themselves was an on-going struggle for me. I would sit in meetings and hear members say “take your hands off, let them suffer their own consequences.” The concept of loving detachment was, for me, one of our program’s most difficult concepts to understand and practice.
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To call this a paradox would have been a monumental understatement to me. My husband and I have had careers in the legal field, and respect for the law has always been a principle we tried to instill in our children. Now, I was faced with not only seeing my dreams for their future disappear, but the possibility that their actions would drag us down in every way. The emotional turmoil was, at times, so intense that I had to remind myself to breath.

At meetings, I could finally reach out to others. I began working the Steps and the fog began to lift. Somewhere, it hit me that my minor children had begun making adult decisions. As I looked at that hard reality, the next reality revealed itself. If they were making adult decisions, then they would have to suffer adult consequences! What did that mean to me?

The answer for me was Step Three. The promise was that I could turn my will, my life and theirs over to God as I understood Him. That took much work and discipline in using all the program tools. That work eventually allowed me to get out of the way and allow my children to make choices for themselves. The first time I ever told one of them that I couldn’t help with a situation, I felt strength from a Power I had never known.

The other program principle that really helped me was Concept Seven, “The Trustees have legal rights while the rights of the Conference are traditional.” One of the members’ stories in Paths to Recovery (B-24) on this Concept talked about learning when I am still legally responsible for a minor child and when I can practice detachment. For me, it became clear: if I knew they would be drinking, they would not have access to any cars. I even decided that if I ever caught them drinking and driving that I would call the police. That actually happened. Again, I felt strength from a Power greater than me. I was being restored to sanity.

Learning to love my alcoholic children with healthy detachment has been one of my greatest gifts—and a gift that I can give to them, as well.
 
By Cheryl K., Georgia April, 2015

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

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